How to Practice Emotional Agility in Work Life
The world is constantly evolving, presenting us with new opportunities and situations. In an era of significant technological advancements and increased access to information and opportunities, millennials may feel anything is possible – Often with high speed. While this can be great, it can also come with many emotions and thoughts that often result in autopilot behaviour, sometimes steering you away from your own values and goals.
Hence it is essential to possess the ability to navigate our emotions effectively. Emotional agility, as defined by Dr. Susan David, is the process of embracing and responding to our emotions in ways that align with our values and intentions. Below, we explore the concept of emotional agility, why it is crucial in today's ever-changing world, and the essential actions to practice emotional agility.
What is emotional agility?
According to Dr. Susan David, emotional agility is described as "a process that allows you to be in the moment, changing or maintaining your behaviors so that you can live in ways that align with your intentions and values. The process isn't about ignoring difficult emotions and thoughts. It's about holding those emotions and thoughts loosely, facing them courageously and compassionately, and then moving past them to make big things happen in your life" (David, 2016).
After reading her book, I learned that the process of gaining emotional agility unfolds in a few essential actions that we can practice in our personal life and at work:
Label your emotions
Show up to them
What is the purpose of this emotion?
Create a gap between stimulus and response
Integrate thinking and feeling with long-term values and aspirations - Choose your direction: walk your ‘why’
Incorporate your intention (your why) into your everyday life with the Tiny Tweaks Principle
Why is it important to practice emotional agility?
To fully capitalise on the opportunities, and the emotions that go along with our ever-changing world, we must continuously break down old categories and formulate new ones. If we are curious and approach novel experiences with fresh eyes, we are able to get to the most innovative solutions.
However, we often resist or suppress certain emotions, hoping to shield ourselves from discomfort. Alternatively, some of us get stuck in the grip of negative emotions, unable to move past them. Others resort to cynicism or humour as a coping mechanism, avoiding the seriousness of challenging situations. But here's the truth: When we become rigid in our thinking and behaviour, we lose touch with the reality of the world around us. We become insensitive to context, failing to grasp what is truly happening. We see the world through the lens of our preconceived notions, and that may not align with the present reality – When we surrender control and allow ourselves to be carried along by external forces, that's when we get hooked.
Emotional agility, on the other hand, demands sensitivity to context. It requires us to respond to the world as it is, in the here and now. We don't seek to suppress or ignore our thoughts and emotions, for they are an integral part of who we are. The key lies in recognising who is in charge – are we driven by our thoughts, or are we consciously guiding our lives based on our values and aspirations?
How to become emotionally agile?
Precisely labelling our emotions
Emotions are like data that you can read. To understand and effectively navigate them, accurately identifying and labelling your emotions is crucial.
When we label our emotions, we go beyond using broad terms like "good" or "bad" and instead use specific and precise language to describe what we are experiencing. For example, rather than simply saying, "I feel bad," we can delve deeper and identify if we are feeling disappointed, frustrated, or anxious.
By precisely labelling our emotions, we gain clarity and insight into our inner experiences. It helps us acknowledge and validate our feelings, allowing us to engage with them in a more intentional and constructive way. This practice also helps us create distance between ourselves and our emotions, reducing the likelihood of getting entangled or overwhelmed by them.
Precise labelling of emotions also enables effective communication with others. When we can clearly articulate what we are feeling, we enhance our ability to express ourselves and connect with others. It fosters empathy and understanding in relationships, promoting healthier and more meaningful interactions.
💡 The author suggests several strategies for practising the skill of effectively labelling emotions throughout her book:
Improve your ability to talk about your feelings by learning lots of different emotion words. This will help you be more exact when you describe how you feel. You can try using Pennebaker's Writing Rules (explained below) to help you. Writing about your feelings in a journal can be very helpful – trust me :)
Tune into bodily sensations: Pay attention to how your body feels when you're experiencing different emotions. For instance, anger might make your jaw clench or your heart race, while sadness might feel like a heaviness in your chest. By connecting these physical sensations with your emotions, you can better identify and comprehend how you're feeling.
If you're having a hard time paying attention to what your body is saying, you might want to try doing some yoga. It really helped me become more aware of my physical feelings.
Practice mindfulness: To be more mindful of your emotions, try to notice them as they happen. Take a moment to name the emotion you're feeling, like "frustration" or "joy." This can help you observe your emotions without judging them and get better at recognising and naming them accurately.
Show up to your emotions – acknowledge them
Once we stop struggling to eliminate distressing feelings, or to smother them with positive affirmations or rationalisations, they can teach us valuable lessons. Showing up to these feelings can help you anticipate the pitfalls and prepare more effective ways of coping during critical moments.
Showing up to your emotions and acknowledging them, is a courages' thing to do. It’s scary to consider what we might learn about ourselves when we look inward.
It means looking at yourself from an outside perspective: a broad and inclusive view that doesn’t deny reality but, rather, recognises your challenges and failures as part of being human.
Showing up means treating yourself with compassion. It’s, in fact, at odds with deceiving yourself. You can’t have real self-compassion without first facing the truth about who you are and what you feel. When we lack compassion, we see the world as just as unforgiving as we are, so the very idea of failure is crippling.
That’s why compassion gives us the freedom to redefine ourselves, as well as the all-important freedom to fail, which contains within it the freedom to take the risks that allow us to be truly creative.
Showing up also includes bringing historical context into consideration and understanding the full significance of one's experiences. It is about embracing self-acceptance, looking at oneself from an outside perspective, and recognising that challenges and failures are part of being human.
Showing up refers to a mindset or approach of actively facing and engaging with one's experiences, thoughts, and emotions. It means acknowledging and accepting the presence of difficult emotions, challenges, or past experiences without avoiding or suppressing them.
Instead of bottling or brooding about difficulties, showing up involves approaching them with curiosity, compassion, and acceptance. It implies a willingness to have an open and honest dialogue with oneself, recognising that one is capable of containing all feelings and experiences without being overwhelmed or afraid. David describes bottlers and brooders as following:
Bottlers (more likely to be men): Bottlers try to unhook by pushing emotions to the side and getting on with things. They’re likely to shove away unwanted feelings because those feelings are uncomfortable or distracting, or because they think that being anything less than bright and chipper is a sign of weakness, or a sure-fire way to alienate those around them. Another aspect of bottling behaviour is trying to think positively, to push the negative thoughts out of your head. The problem with bottling is that ignoring troubling emotions doesn’t get at the root of whatever is causing them. Bottling is usually done with the best intentions, and to the practical person it does feel productive. ‘Think positive’, ‘forge forward’ and ‘get on with it’, we tell ourselves. And poof, just like that, the unwanted emotions seem to vanish. But really they’ve just gone underground, ready to pop back up at any time, and usually with surprising and inappropriate intensity created by the containment pressure they’ve been under. It’s no surprise, either, that bottling can have a negative effect on relationships.
Brooders (more likely to be woman): When hooked by uncomfortable feelings, brooders stew in their misery, endlessly stirring the pot around, and around, and around. Brooders can’t let go, and they struggle to compartmentalise as they obsess over a hurt, perceived failure, shortcoming or anxiety. Brooding is a cousin of worry. Both are intensely self-focused and both involve trying to inhabit a moment that’s not now. But while worry looks forward, brooding looks back – an even more pointless exercise. Brooders lose perspective as molehills become mountains and slights become capital crimes. Brooders are similarly hard to deal with but it’s because they tend to dump their real, heavy emotions on others. They want to talk it out with those close to them but even their nearest and dearest get empathy fatigue eventually, tiring of a brooder’s constant need to talk about fears, worries and struggles. Moreover, the brooder’s self-focus leaves no room for anyone else’s needs, so listeners often ultimately walk away, leaving the brooder feeling both frustrated and alone.
And guess what: Neither strategy serves our health or our happiness as they become counterproductive and actually embed the hooks deeper and deeper :).
💡 A good way to become more accepting and compassionate toward yourself is to look back at the child you once were, says Dr. Susan David. After all, you didn’t get to choose your parents, your economic circumstances, your personality or your body type. Recognising you had to play the hand you were dealt is often the first step toward showing yourself more warmth, kindness and forgiveness. You did the best you could under the circumstances. And you survived. The next step is to think of yourself as the hurt child you once were, running up to you, the adult you are now. Would you first mock the child, demand an explanation, tell her it was her fault and say ‘I told you so’? Not likely. You would first take that young, upset child in your arms and comfort her. Why should you treat the adult you any less compassionately? Showing yourself kindness gets even more important during life’s rough patches.
What is the purpose of this emotion? What the Func?
Once we have acknowledged our emotions. Showed up to them with compassion – Accepted them. We can look which valuable information they offer. They indicate rewards and dangers, direct us towards our pain, and advise us on which situations to engage with or avoid. Rather than being obstacles, emotions can act as beacons, guiding us towards the things we care about most and motivating us to make positive changes.
David suggests that a good question to ask yourself when trying to learn from your emotions is, "What the func?" No, that's not a typo for a more explicit question. "Func" is short for "function", so "What the func?" is shorthand for: "What is the purpose of this emotion?"
What is it telling you?
What does it get you?
What’s the reason buried underneath that sadness, frustration or joy?
Create a gap between stimulus and response - Step out
After showing up and giving meaning to your emotions, there’s another critical aspect of agility: stepping out.
Developing the ability to step out enables you to see your own emotions in a new light and understand how others might be feeling as well. It empowers you to engage in self-reflection and gain valuable insights into your inner world.
By creating a gap between stimulus and response, you gain the power to choose your behaviours based on your deepest values. Instead of being driven solely by your thoughts, emotions, and stories, you can make conscious decisions aligned with what truly matters to you. This transformative process turns obstacles into opportunities that resonate more closely with your authentic self.
According to David, one effective technique to facilitate this process is writing down your emotional experiences. Putting your thoughts and feelings on paper helps create distance between yourself and the emotions. It allows you to see them from a fresh perspective, breaking free from entanglements and moving forward.
By gaining this broader outlook, you can better understand your experiences in context and make informed choices.
To create a gap between stimulus and response and gain a meta-view on yourself, David suggests her readers to use the Pennebaker’s Writing Rules exercise.
💡 Pennebaker’s Writing Rules Set a timer for twenty minutes. Open up your notebook (or create a document on your computer). When the timer starts, begin writing about your emotional experiences from the past week, month and year. Don’t worry about punctuation, sloppiness or coherence. Simply go wherever your mind takes you, curiously and without judgement. Write just for yourself, and not for some eventual reader. Do this for a few days. Then, throw the paper away (or stick it in a bottle and cast it out to sea), or close the document without saving it. Or if you’re ready, start a blog or find a literary agent. It doesn’t matter. The point is that those thoughts are now out of you and on the page. You have begun the process of ‘stepping out’ from your experience to gain perspective on it.
We can also create space with imagination, breathing deeply, moving our body through physical activities, taking breaks, humor and irony in hard things, or by simply saying no (2023, Kuberic).
Integrate thinking and feeling with long-term values and aspirations - Choose your direction: walk your ‘why’
Once you have created the space, we can begin to focus more on what we’re really all about: our core values, our most important goals.
By acknowledging, accepting, and purposefully creating distance from the intimidating, painful, or disruptive emotional experiences, you unlock the ability to tap into the part of yourself that takes a broader perspective.
This integrated perspective blends your thoughts and feelings with your long-term values and aspirations, empowering you to discover fresh and improved paths towards your objectives – Your core values provide the compass that keeps you moving in the right direction.
Incorporate your why into your everyday life with the Tiny Tweaks Principle
Take one baby step at a time. While traditional self-help often focuses on grand goals and complete transformations, research suggests that the opposite approach can be more effective.
Making small, intentional adjustments aligned with your values can have a significant impact on your life. This is particularly true when it comes to tweaking the routines and habits that shape our daily lives.
By targeting these areas, we gain tremendous leverage for change, setting the stage for meaningful transformation and growth.
PS: If you want your kids to be emotionally agile, you should definitely check out this book. The author gives some great tips and tricks for raising emotionally agile children.
Also, if you're curious about how the human brain works, you may be interested in "Emotional Intelligence" by Daniel Goleman. It's a really interesting book that dives into the complexities of emotional intelligence and how it affects our lives.
